Here I am awake at 3:30 am…wondering why on earth I am up at this time of the night. My dreams have awoken me, if only because of their stupidity and senselessness. But, it is more than that which keeps me awake.

I have been dreaming a lot lately of high school- not necessarily being in high school, but dreaming of different scenarios that include people I went to high school with. Unlike some, I was thrilled to move on from the people and the place a long time ago, so I am confused as to why my mind is revisiting it.

As I spent some time pondering this issue, the answer slowly became clear to me. Physically, I am here in Lilongwe, Malawi- Southeast Africa. However, mentally, emotionally, spiritually- I am in culture shock.

I almost hesitate to say this, because I am already anticipating the frantic emails and worried questions that will come from those who love us. I know- it sounds like a medical diagnosis that I may or may not recover from. But, let me reassure all of those who may feel that way (and myself) that this is normal. If nothing else, you can always trust that I will be honest, and to be completely honest I have to say that is where I am.

When we first arrived here, the transition was relatively easy. We adapted well and have been very happy settling in. The past week, though, I have found myself struggling without really understanding why. There have been many scenarios here that have caused me to question myself, my life, my understanding of God, and when I try to make sense of it, I can’t.

I have come to better understand the circumstances which people we work with everyday live in. These people that we have gotten to know and build relationships with are our friends. We regard them as our equals and our partners in this ministry. However, the reality of the situation is that their lives are very different than our lives. Even as missionaries living on support with a fixed budget, we make 10-20 times the money they do each month. When we go to the grocery store to buy food for the week, we spend more than they live on the entire month- and most of them have several children to feed. Every week, there is at least one or two people in our office who are attending a funeral of someone in their family.

There is one man in our office who is Michael’s age who briefly told me of his story. There are six children in his family- five boys and one girl. His father died when he was six or so, and then his mother died when he was nineteen. As the second eldest, he worked to care for the four younger children. His sister was sent to live with relatives in Zambia, and he hasn’t seen her since that time. He says that he struggles with the decision that he made to send her there, wondering if it was the right thing to do. He still cares for the youngest boy who is now fifteen, and he also cares for his own son who is two.

There are also a few people on staff here that have approached us for loans because of various family issues. One of them had a sister who just passed away and left two children. So he will be caring for his own family and two additional children on a salary of about $55 per month. The other is married and his wife is about to have a baby, but they have no way to pay for medical care or even transportation to the hospital to ensure the baby is born safely.

So, when you live in an environment with this type of need, it is easy to see where the struggle comes in. I feel guilty for the things we have been blessed with. But, at the same time, I am still transitioning from the place where I came. One moment I am frustrated because I haven’t had a pedicure in five months and I have layers of disgusting orange dirt caked under my toenails which I just can’t fix. The next moment I feel guilty for even considering spending what is another person’s monthly wages to have someone clean my feet. Or I am frustrated because I am sick of spending hours of my day cooking and cleaning because I have to cook everything from scratch and wash all of the dishes when I would just rather be at the Chik-fil-A drive thru. And then I remember all of the people I know that may or may not be eating today. I get frustrated that I am missing holidays and birthdays with those that I love, and yet as I write this many that I know are losing their loved ones and will not reunite with them this side of heaven.

I think I have been dreaming of people from high school because in some way I am trying to reconcile my former self that I knew and understood and who was relatively uncomplicated in the culture that I came from with this new person in this new place. It’s not comfortable; it’s not easy. It hurts, and it is painful. I am tired of crying tears of utter frustration as I sort these things out. I look forward to the day when I can look back and realize that I am past this.