I feel that it is my responsibility to write and to keep our family, friends and supporters up to date on what we are doing here. We are so conscious of the fact that we are only here because of the generosity and calling of others to give and support us, and we don’t want to neglect communication and connection with those that have given so much. But, I find myself in a difficult place because I don’t know what to write. Sometimes honesty isn’t what people want to hear, but it’s all I’ve got.

Often I have daydreams of different people from home coming to visit us, and I try to picture explaining to them what life is like here….what our life here is like. Each time, I give up on the daydream realizing that it seems an impossible thing to communicate. Even those who visit temporarily cannot understand, as things appear different when looking through a long-term lense. It’s like the difference between looking at something with the naked eye and then looking at it through a microscope- you are seeing the same physical object, but your proximity to it alters your view drastically. I am stuck in the microscope, and I can’t remember what things look like without it.

I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing that I have a different view of things than others may. I think what scares me is that I don’t understand my own view and myself in light of this new world we live in. When I lived in America, I knew myself. I knew who I was, where I was going; I knew what was important in life and what wasn’t. I knew my spiritual self. Now, I feel like someone put my life in a blender, turned it on high-speed and walked away, forgetting that you are supposed to turn it off at some point.

I am not sure I remember on most days why we are here. We came because we felt Jesus calling us to love other people, that He was calling us to love in a way that most people never understand- wholly, sacrificially and selflessly. When we made that decision, I felt a sense of calling and clarity that made it the undeniably right choice. I wanted to offer whatever love and hope I had been given to those who needed it the most. But, here I am and I’m not sure I have anything of value to give anyone, and it seems that the person I am most concerned with helping is myself. Why is it that I have traveled the whole world in an act of supposed selfless obedience, and the only person I can think about is myself? Why is it that when you set out to do God’s work you realize that you are anything but Godly?

I know most missionaries write home and tell people all of these encouraging stories of the wonderful work they are doing. I think that, God-willing, we will have those stories as time goes on. But, you know, I’m just not there yet. The truth is that this is just hard. It is not hard in that we are hungry or poor or sick. But it is difficult in that we are being forced to look at life and at ourselves in a different way, and it is hard to realize that when push comes to shove, you aren’t as good as you thought you were. It took me a while to find God in the world I was born into, and I think it is going to take me a little while to find Him and understand Him in this one too.

My child

As I look at you
I see the eyes of a child-
Eyes of innocence
Eyes of hope
Eyes filled with inexpressible joy.

But those eyes have not always been innocent-
They have looked death in the face,
They have cried tears of despair,
They know sorrow beyond comprehension.

I wish I could promise you
That the struggle is over,
That peace has laid its hand on you.
But, my child, I cannot promise you peace;
Your struggle has only just begun

Here I am awake at 3:30 am…wondering why on earth I am up at this time of the night. My dreams have awoken me, if only because of their stupidity and senselessness. But, it is more than that which keeps me awake.

I have been dreaming a lot lately of high school- not necessarily being in high school, but dreaming of different scenarios that include people I went to high school with. Unlike some, I was thrilled to move on from the people and the place a long time ago, so I am confused as to why my mind is revisiting it.

As I spent some time pondering this issue, the answer slowly became clear to me. Physically, I am here in Lilongwe, Malawi- Southeast Africa. However, mentally, emotionally, spiritually- I am in culture shock.

I almost hesitate to say this, because I am already anticipating the frantic emails and worried questions that will come from those who love us. I know- it sounds like a medical diagnosis that I may or may not recover from. But, let me reassure all of those who may feel that way (and myself) that this is normal. If nothing else, you can always trust that I will be honest, and to be completely honest I have to say that is where I am.

When we first arrived here, the transition was relatively easy. We adapted well and have been very happy settling in. The past week, though, I have found myself struggling without really understanding why. There have been many scenarios here that have caused me to question myself, my life, my understanding of God, and when I try to make sense of it, I can’t.

I have come to better understand the circumstances which people we work with everyday live in. These people that we have gotten to know and build relationships with are our friends. We regard them as our equals and our partners in this ministry. However, the reality of the situation is that their lives are very different than our lives. Even as missionaries living on support with a fixed budget, we make 10-20 times the money they do each month. When we go to the grocery store to buy food for the week, we spend more than they live on the entire month- and most of them have several children to feed. Every week, there is at least one or two people in our office who are attending a funeral of someone in their family.

There is one man in our office who is Michael’s age who briefly told me of his story. There are six children in his family- five boys and one girl. His father died when he was six or so, and then his mother died when he was nineteen. As the second eldest, he worked to care for the four younger children. His sister was sent to live with relatives in Zambia, and he hasn’t seen her since that time. He says that he struggles with the decision that he made to send her there, wondering if it was the right thing to do. He still cares for the youngest boy who is now fifteen, and he also cares for his own son who is two.

There are also a few people on staff here that have approached us for loans because of various family issues. One of them had a sister who just passed away and left two children. So he will be caring for his own family and two additional children on a salary of about $55 per month. The other is married and his wife is about to have a baby, but they have no way to pay for medical care or even transportation to the hospital to ensure the baby is born safely.

So, when you live in an environment with this type of need, it is easy to see where the struggle comes in. I feel guilty for the things we have been blessed with. But, at the same time, I am still transitioning from the place where I came. One moment I am frustrated because I haven’t had a pedicure in five months and I have layers of disgusting orange dirt caked under my toenails which I just can’t fix. The next moment I feel guilty for even considering spending what is another person’s monthly wages to have someone clean my feet. Or I am frustrated because I am sick of spending hours of my day cooking and cleaning because I have to cook everything from scratch and wash all of the dishes when I would just rather be at the Chik-fil-A drive thru. And then I remember all of the people I know that may or may not be eating today. I get frustrated that I am missing holidays and birthdays with those that I love, and yet as I write this many that I know are losing their loved ones and will not reunite with them this side of heaven.

I think I have been dreaming of people from high school because in some way I am trying to reconcile my former self that I knew and understood and who was relatively uncomplicated in the culture that I came from with this new person in this new place. It’s not comfortable; it’s not easy. It hurts, and it is painful. I am tired of crying tears of utter frustration as I sort these things out. I look forward to the day when I can look back and realize that I am past this.

Yesterday we visited Chirombo village for the first time. It is one of the two new villages where COTN is beginning to be involved. It is about an hours drive from here with about half of the drive on a very bumpy dirt road (I remember that very well as my rear end is more than a little sore today). Chirombo is a nice change from the villages directly outside of Lilongwe that we have gotten used to. It is greener and has more shade trees, which you learn to appreciate greatly when there is no rain and no air conditioning in the African summer.

As is standard for us "azungus" we received a welcome fit for kings. I am always entertained when the little kids look up from casually playing in the dirt outside their home to see the azungus driving by. It is how kids in America would react if they saw Santa Clause on an average day- they jump up and scream with joy at the top of their lungs calling their friends to come see the white people and wave. Of course, we look at each one and try to wave to each individually, and they giggle with uncontainable excitement. This time as we drove into the center of the village, the children started running behind the truck- first three or four and then gradually it increased to twenty or so children running after our truck screaming and laughing.

Once we arrived in the village, some of the people from COTN went about the business they had come for, and Michael and I just hung around with the kids while waiting. It was then that my experience began to change. My first impressions of the village were wonderful- green and shady, happy and joyful just as I described. But upon closer observation of the individual children, I became sad and sickened by grief. Usually when you first go into a village, you (or at least I as an outsider) can’t get a good impression of how the people really are living. Are they sick, do they have enough food, are the babies healthy, do they get medical care…..these are all questions that come to my mind, but it takes time to answer them. It is not something you can figure out from one visit. But, on this particular visit, it became painfully obvious to me that these kids are sick. There is clearly a great deal of suffering, and the needs are great.

Let me also explain that over time, since the arrival of the new Country Director who received a copy of my CV and educational and professional experience, people have begun calling me Dr. Courtney. The Country Director began calling me by my title, and it has trickled down to everyone else. So, as we entered this village the COTN staff members introduced me to all of these people as their doctor. Not only are these children sick and suffering, but they are now looking to me to ease their pain. I noticed the sicker ones trying to ease their way into the front hoping to get closer to me, as if just being closer to me would somehow help them. Some may find that flattering, but at this point in time I have nothing to give them. It is heart-wrenching to think about these children who are malnourished, sick, infected, hungry, thirsty, and they are hoping beyond all hope that they may receive something from this new person who as come, but she offers nothing. They must be wondering why she won’t help them. Why doesn’t she care about me?

So, as we plan over the next few months for the programs that will be instituted in these villages, please pray for these children specifically. Please pray for wisdom for me medically as well as wisdom for our leadership to be able to offer the services that are desperately needed here. Please pray that the leadership understands the desperate need for medical care. Please pray that on the American side that there will be enough money raised that these children will receive the basic necessities that they need to survive childhood. Please pray for American doctors to come and offer their services in these places.

On behalf of all of these children, thank you for your prayers.

My apologies.....

Well, I must admit that I am very embarrassed that it has been nearly a month since I posted anything. It is certainly not due to a lack of things to write about. Actually, I think there have been so many things swirling around in my head that it has been difficult to organize them and logically present them. Also, I think part of my struggle has been that at some point I realized that people were actually reading them, and I became a little self-conscious. I like my thoughts to be private and personal, but after all, I find myself baring my soul on the internet. So, at least in my mind, I am just going to pretend that this is my journal and no one is looking at it. 

I will give a somewhat brief summary of what I have been doing over the last few weeks. I have been spending time with Tapiwa and assisting her with exercises and strength training. Also, I researched her condition(s) and prepared a report of my  findings and recommendations for the Country Director as well as the National Board. My hope is that this will prompt serious consideration of much needed therapy for her. 

Also, I have been regularly visiting the girls' home in Mtsiliza. There are nine teenage girls who live there who are home from boarding school for their summer vacation.  I have really enjoyed just spending time with them and getting to know each of their unique personalities. I brought my photo album from home to show them, and they just loved looking at it. They squealed at the sight of wedding photos. One of the girls, Doress, just loved the pictures of my hair and would get so excited and pet the pictures of my hair because she thought it was so nice. I guess that is an obvious sign that my personal grooming standards have decreased somewhat since I have been here.  

I have also spent time at the widow's program in Mtsiliza as well. I guess I am naive, but when I was going to visit them, without really thinking I was expecting a group of elderly women. When  I walked into their meeting, I saw a group of women in their twenties and thirties, almost all of them with very small children. Several had small babies that were still breastfeeding. I began to try to do the math in my head to figure out how they could have babies that young and be widowed already.  Many of their husbands died while they were pregnant or soon after the baby was born. I just cannot conceive of the agony that it must be to lose your spouse when you have small children, and you are left with a family full of mouths to feed yet no way to provide for them. Through the widow's program, they learn to sew, knit, and bake to sell items for their income. I am interested to get to know these women because I suspect they are women of great strength and character.

 The rest of my time really has been spent reading, studying, and planning. Michael and I laugh because we brought all of these books from school that we thought may be useful for our work here. What we didn't realize is that we never really read these books in school. Now, I am reading these books and realizing there is some wonderful, insightful information that will help us tremendously in our respective jobs. I have thought to myself...wow if I had known how useful this was going to be, I would have studied a little harder in school. Today I was reading a book that I thought was totally useless in school. I looked through it and couldn't believe all of the great information it had. I guess God provides for you even when you don't even know it.  I also feel that we are both getting a better education than we could have dreamed of getting in any school. I am really excited to see what God will do with that after these two years. 

Reflections in the mirror

Well, as I am laying in bed unable to sleep due to my long nap this afternoon, I have started to come across some questions in my mind. As we are making this transition to Malawi, one of the things that has been drilled into our minds throughout our training is the importance of understanding culture.

 

We as Americans tend not to pay any attention to culture since most of us tend to stay within our own, and we fail to realize how much that shapes our understanding of the world around us. We make assumptions and judgments based on our own worldview, which we fail to realize is largely cultural. Even our spiritual understanding is so deeply tied to our cultural values that often we are unable to separate the two.

 

For instance, Americans in general tend to value blatant, brutal honesty. People value truthfulness at all costs, no matter how hurtful or damaging it may be. We only need to look as far as our reality shows, court TV, and media coverage of politics and celebrity gossip. However, Malawians tend to value respect, propriety, and honor above all else, even perhaps at the expense of complete and absolute honesty. American Christians would tend to be very judgmental of that; we may make judgments about the spirituality of those who claim to be Christians but do not follow our understanding of spirituality, citing Biblical teachings on honesty. But what then do we make of passages that teach patience, kindness, meekness, and peace? Perhaps Malawians judge our spirituality based on our failure to exercise those values. So, in God'€™s eyes, is one of these views correct and one incorrect? Which of these Biblical values are most important? Have we let our cultural background dictate so much of who we are that it taints a true spiritual understanding?

 

The more I begin to question these things, the more examples come to mind- views on dating, marriage, divorce, family, extended family, work ethic, the distribution of wealth and resources in our world. There are endless examples. I am beginning to think that we cannot have a true, accurate spiritual understanding without being in community with people who are different than we are. Being able to understand the differences of others forces us to look in the mirror and see ourselves as others see us, which is very often drastically different than we see ourselves.

 

 I wonder, if we could see ourselves through the eyes of Africans, what would we as Americans look like? Do they see us- a small group of people with the largest amount of wealth and resources- as selfish? Do they wonder why, if the Bible teaches us to love our neighbors as ourselves, we turn our backs on our African neighbors as their children die and their communities are ravaged by disease? Do they see our ambivalence to their life and death struggles as a form of racism and hatred?

 

I can't say that I can accurately state how Africans views these things. But, I can say that as I look now at where I am and consider the place where I came from, I feel very uneasy looking at the reflection in the mirror.

 

Our most basic necessity

Well, this has been a wonderful week. On Tuesday, we traveled two hours north to our children's homes in Chiwengo village. This is the village that used to be used as the presidential retreat for the former president, and now COTN rents these brick homes very inexpensively to house 85 children. There are three homes that house 20-25 kids each with house parents and several aunties and uncles for each house. For the older teenagers, there is a boys home and a girls home with aunties and uncles. The school is very close, and there is a soccer field nearby as well. While we were there, I really felt like this place is every child's dream. The homes are very nice by Malawi standards, and the children get to run around this beautiful place surrounded by their many, many brothers and sisters. They play with one another and just enjoy life. Again, my thoughts were, "Hmm...maybe I could live here and play all day long."

The other thing that made such an impression on me while I was there was how well disciplined and respectful these children are. They wake up in the morning, and each of them has chores to do before they go to school. They sweep, mop, do laundry, help take care of younger children etc. Then, they gather for morning devotions lead by the house parents. Even the children as young as 2 are sitting there attentively listening to devotions. Then, they get dressed and go to school. The younger ones come home at noon and eat luch and play. The older kids come home at 2, then have additional tutoring by the staff. School is much more difficult for them than in America. There are very few books; there is not paper to take notes. The teacher speaks and they repeat things, but they never have an opportunity to study their own books. They have to work much harder to do welll academically. By 4, then they are able to play and have free time. They eat dinner and bathe, and then prepare for their evening devotion. How may of us are disciplined enough to have two devotions each and every day???

Yesterday, I went back to Chitipi farm. Chris tutors several of the children there in the afternoons, so I went along. I was asked to work with one of the children in that home named Tapewa. She is mentally disabled and cannot speak, stand, or walk. She is only able to sit and make a few noises, but she can definitely laugh. I was told that she is disabled due to malnutrition in infancy. Recently, she has been evaluated at a rehab center, and they recommended some exercises for her to help her gain more mobility. So, I helped her stand, exercised her legs and arms, and helped her clap. Some of the girls would sing for her and she would just laugh and laugh. She is just so special to me. She is so sweet and innocent and just like a little angel. She already really likes me and and tries to scoot over to where I am when she sees me. 

There is also a disabled boy in Chiwengo named Myonko- also mentally disabled due to malnutrition in infancy. He cannot speak or respond to commands of any type. But, I spent some time with him, and he knows me and always wants to sit on my lap. With both of them it is just heartbreaking to me that they must live life this way for a totally senseless reason. They will never know the joys of relationships or communication or achievement or self sufficiency. They have suffered because of a lack of something that the rest of us in America are suffering from because of overabundance and gluttony. The one and only thing that they do understand, though, is love. They respond to and seek those who love on them. It is the most basic necessity for all of us. Even though they look at you with eyes that do not demonstrate any comprehension or thought, they know when you love them, and they return that love over and over again. 

More...

For some reason, 2:30 am seems to be optimal writing time for me. We go to bed so early, and I have woken up at 2:30 every morning since we've been here.  I thought I was doing well to have made it to 8:30pm last night, but I am awake again. I am hoping we can get on a little more normal sleep schedule sometime soon. 

I want to try to recap some of the events of the past few days. So much has happened that it is hard to believe we've only been here for 3 days. Friday, Chris (an intern who is the only American who lives here with us) took us to the grocery store in town. Most of the people who live here are not able to shop there, but it is mostly for wealthier people and foreigners. They have a lot of imported goods either from Europe or South Africa. Even though it is the most Americanized of all of the shopping, it was still very intimidating. I didn't know what any of the products were since none of them look like what I am familiar with. I did the best I could. Then we went to check out and the total was 16,000 kwacha. I was very anxious because I could not do the conversion in my head to American dollars so I had no idea if I had enough money or how much I was spending. Turns out, the total was around $100. This came as a shock to me because we really didn't buy very much stuff at all, but it was so expensive. We are trying to figure out how we are going to adapt to the food because we can't afford to eat like that, and also it still doesn't taste like anything we are used to so it really doesn't seem worth it. 

After the grocery store, Chris took us to the village market for fresh vegetables. This is an open dirt field where people bring all kinds of things to sell, and it is where most of the people shop. This was a completely overwhelming experience. As we drove up people were surrounding our car showing their goods to us in hopes that we will buy from them. It is difficult because people know from the car and from what we look like that we are new and we have money. They desperately want to sell things to us, and we constantly have to say no. I have to say, though, the most memorable part of the market was just opening the door and smelling the horrible stench. I can't describe it; it was just bad. So, Chris navigated us to a vendor that he knows, we bought a few things and we left pretty quickly. 

Later in the day, we went to Chitipi farm, which is one of our children's homes that is located just a couple of miles from here and houses 35 children along with house parents and "aunties and uncles" to take care of them. They live in a house with one common area and then several rooms to each side where the kids each have bunk beds. The kids were so excited to show off their beds. They are very proud of them, as most of them had never slept in a bed before they came to live at COTN. Then they performed a welcome ceremony for us where they all sang and danced several songs. They each introduced themselves, some recited Bible verses for us, and a few told a brief version of their story and how they came to live at COTN. They told how one or both of their parents had died and what life was like. Several also saw their siblings die as well. They were then living with anyone who would care for them. Most family members aren't able to take in another child, so they slept on the floor of a mud hut, became malnourished, and some became very ill with no medical care. 

After the welcome ceremony, the kids took us all by the hand to show us around the farm. They have goats, chickens (they LOVE to run around and chase after the chickens...it's quite a sight), cows, vegetable gardens, and a pond. They learn about farming, and were very proud to show us the very successful crop of onions that they just harvested. They also are taught to sew. They go to school at the public school and they receive additional tutoring to help them get ahead. After you hear the stories of where they have come from, it is amazing to see the joy on their faces as they run around the farm and laugh and play with one another. The joy in that house is really contagious. Part of me wants to get a bunk bed and move in. 

After such an adventurous day on Friday, we didn't feel much like going out again on Saturday. We felt a little overwhelmed. Of course, we woke up Sat morning at 2:30 and we laid in bed until the sun came up around 5:00. We started unpacking all of our boxes and suitcases and cleaning, and we were very excited to have the house all arranged. We felt like we had done a whole day's work, and I was ready to eat lunch etc, and I looked at the clock and it was 8:00am. So, without any staff here on Saturdays, and without TV, internet, radio or anything else, we weren't sure what to do with ourselves. Chris came over and we sat on the front porch talking for several hours. Then, we ate lunch and talked for several more hours. Two of Chris's friends came over and we talked for a couple more hours. The three of us ate dinner together then played cards. And that was our day. So, I think this is what they mean when they say it is a slower pace of life here :)

Our first day in Africa

Well, here I am. 

We finally arrived in Malawi after a year of planning and about 48 hours of travel. As I lay in my bed at 3:30 am, I am searching for words to describe what we've seen and heard today. I have felt like I am in a movie because I have nothing to compare this to in my mind- this doesn't seem like it could be my life. All of the things I have seen so far are so different than anything else I have experienced. 

When we first got off the plane, the first thing that struck me was the unusual smell. There is just this distinct smell about this place that I can't describe. It is really going to take some getting used to because I don't like the smell at all. It's the air, the laundry, the dishes- everything. Michael has been laughing at me because, in general, I have the least sensitive smell of anyone. Now all of a sudden, I am obsessed with it. Also, there is a constant odor of smoke in the air. People burn a lot of things, so it is always smoky. 

When we arrived, we were very fortunate to receive all of our bags and made it through customs very easily. The staff picked us up and drove us from the airport. Along the way we saw many people of all different ages walking along the highway. There were kids riding bikes, kids in matching school uniforms, people carrying huge loads on their head and backs, and women carrying babies. 

We arrived at Njewa (pronounced inn-jay-wah), which is our new home. We live in a compound that is surrounded by a brick wall with guards and three guard dogs. Our house is a brick duplex and is very nice with tile floors. The COTN office is on these grounds also. The staff each introduced themselves with a warm smile and a handshake, gave us a tour, and cooked dinner for us. And that pretty much was the first day. 

Peace

Well, the time has finally come. 

There were some days when we thought we would never get there, but here we are. Some of you who read this will be as excited as we are, and others will be nearly sick with anxiety as you think of our journey. We have both had times of feeling overwhelmed and worried about what the future holds as we travel halfway around the world. As I worked through all of those fears I realized, though, that this is exactly where God wants me to be. All of the things in my life until now have lined up to bring me to this very spot. I feel absolutely confident that I am where He wants me to be, and there is nowhere else I would rather find myself. It has been difficult at times and will continue to be, and it is also very difficult for our friends and loved ones to see us go. But, I feel so honored to be chosen for this wonderful service, and I know that God is with us each step of our journey. I do not have fear anymore, only excitement, joy, and peace. A few weeks ago I desperately prayed Philippians 4:6-8.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I just feel so grateful to have received the peace that transcends all understanding. It is a good feeling to rest in the arms of the everlasting God. So, for all of you who love us- please don't worry and don't be sad. We are getting to live out our wildest dreams, we are being faithful servants to the God who created us, and we are getting to love on people who haven't received much love on this earth. I just don't think I could ask for anything more. We love each of you and are taking that love in our hearts with us to Africa. 

God is good

There are many emotions that come with the knowledge that you are leaving your home and family for an extended period of time. Much of it is rather unpleasant. But, these last few days I have experienced some of the good things, and I want to share those as well. 

As I have had a few days of rest and relaxation here in wonderful Seattle, I have had time to reflect and process all that has gone on in the last few months and years. I have been overwhelmed at the thought of how incredibly blessed I've been. Much of my early life was shaped by chaos, instability, loss, grief, and trial by fire. I have been unable to understand how God brought me through that to this privileged place of being sent by His people to go out into the world and serve His people. Often I look at all of my weaknesses and problems and pitfalls and ask God much like Moses did, "Who am I to do these things you have sent me to do?"

These last few days, God has answered me just as he did to Moses. He says, "I will be with you." And I suddenly realized that He was with me all along. He has used His people to shape my life for years to bring me to this place. As I reflect, I am utterly humbled by the wonderful people who have been placed in my life to shape me more toward His image. There have been several key people and families who have loved me, given sacrificially to me, and changed my life for the better. Never have I been more grateful. Never have I seen so clearly how God uses His people to do His work. I realize now more than ever how much I continue to need those people to love me, pray for me, and lift me up. God is good. 

Painting Pictures of Egypt

Well, I am now posting two days in a row, which I must say is quite an accomplishment. I have absolutely no idea if anyone reads this or not, but here it is. 

We are now about 30 hours away from leaving Orlando for the last time for two whole years. It is such a crazy thought that I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around that. These last few months have honestly been very difficult for me... some of the most difficult of my life. Amongst the excitement of embarking on such an adventure, I was naively blinded to how difficult it would be to leave the comfortable life that we know behind. I have grieved truly as if there has been a death in my life- death of our cute newlywed apartment and selfish time with my sweet husband where we don't have to worry about anyone or anything else, death of the confidence that comes with the predictability and familiarity of our well-known surroundings, and the end of the comfort and privacy of our own home. The fear of the unknown has become very well-known to me.

I am also broken as I think of all the people that we love and how much their lives will have changed before our return. Babies will be born, people will probably move away, things will change, and life will go on here without us. I feel like I am mourning the losses of that time and those relationships. 

But even throughout this sadness, God has been so faithful to me. At times, I have felt as weak as a little baby who can't even feed or clothe itself. I have felt like I have forgotten any spiritual knowledge I may have obtained at one time. It is at these times that I have cried out to Him, as I know that even in my weakness, He is strong. Then I remember that I feel so honored that He has chosen me to do such wonderful work for the people that are close to His heart. I have been blessed in unbelievable ways by the people who have believed in us and supported us. I get to go pour out love on people in ways that I never dreamed imaginable. The image that I am clinging to is just being able to hold babies and play with children who may not have anyone else to love them. I want to be the one to love on them. And that is what gets me through each of these difficult days. 

Here is a song by Sara Groves that has been so comforting to me:

I don't want to leave here

I don't want to stay

It feels like pinching to me either way

The places I long for the most

Are the places where I've been

They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith

It's not about trust

It's all about comfortable

When you move  so much

The place I was wasn't perfect

but I had found a way to live

It wasn't milk and honey

But then neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt

Leaving out what it lacked

The future seems so hard

And I want to go back

But the places that used to fit me

Cannot hold the things I've learned

And those roads were closed off to me

While my back was turned

The past is so tangible

I know it by heart

Familiar things are never easy to discard

I was dying for some freedom

But now I hesitate to go

Caught between the promise

And the things I know

Finally!!!

Well, I have finally gotten around to posting my first blog. This is quite a milestone for me because it seems very awkward to post my personal thoughts and feelings for anyone and everyone to read. However, I am hoping that through this all of our friends and loved ones can feel connected to us as we travel and walk with us on this journey. More to come soon.....