God is good

There are many emotions that come with the knowledge that you are leaving your home and family for an extended period of time. Much of it is rather unpleasant. But, these last few days I have experienced some of the good things, and I want to share those as well. 

As I have had a few days of rest and relaxation here in wonderful Seattle, I have had time to reflect and process all that has gone on in the last few months and years. I have been overwhelmed at the thought of how incredibly blessed I've been. Much of my early life was shaped by chaos, instability, loss, grief, and trial by fire. I have been unable to understand how God brought me through that to this privileged place of being sent by His people to go out into the world and serve His people. Often I look at all of my weaknesses and problems and pitfalls and ask God much like Moses did, "Who am I to do these things you have sent me to do?"

These last few days, God has answered me just as he did to Moses. He says, "I will be with you." And I suddenly realized that He was with me all along. He has used His people to shape my life for years to bring me to this place. As I reflect, I am utterly humbled by the wonderful people who have been placed in my life to shape me more toward His image. There have been several key people and families who have loved me, given sacrificially to me, and changed my life for the better. Never have I been more grateful. Never have I seen so clearly how God uses His people to do His work. I realize now more than ever how much I continue to need those people to love me, pray for me, and lift me up. God is good. 

Painting Pictures of Egypt

Well, I am now posting two days in a row, which I must say is quite an accomplishment. I have absolutely no idea if anyone reads this or not, but here it is. 

We are now about 30 hours away from leaving Orlando for the last time for two whole years. It is such a crazy thought that I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around that. These last few months have honestly been very difficult for me... some of the most difficult of my life. Amongst the excitement of embarking on such an adventure, I was naively blinded to how difficult it would be to leave the comfortable life that we know behind. I have grieved truly as if there has been a death in my life- death of our cute newlywed apartment and selfish time with my sweet husband where we don't have to worry about anyone or anything else, death of the confidence that comes with the predictability and familiarity of our well-known surroundings, and the end of the comfort and privacy of our own home. The fear of the unknown has become very well-known to me.

I am also broken as I think of all the people that we love and how much their lives will have changed before our return. Babies will be born, people will probably move away, things will change, and life will go on here without us. I feel like I am mourning the losses of that time and those relationships. 

But even throughout this sadness, God has been so faithful to me. At times, I have felt as weak as a little baby who can't even feed or clothe itself. I have felt like I have forgotten any spiritual knowledge I may have obtained at one time. It is at these times that I have cried out to Him, as I know that even in my weakness, He is strong. Then I remember that I feel so honored that He has chosen me to do such wonderful work for the people that are close to His heart. I have been blessed in unbelievable ways by the people who have believed in us and supported us. I get to go pour out love on people in ways that I never dreamed imaginable. The image that I am clinging to is just being able to hold babies and play with children who may not have anyone else to love them. I want to be the one to love on them. And that is what gets me through each of these difficult days. 

Here is a song by Sara Groves that has been so comforting to me:

I don't want to leave here

I don't want to stay

It feels like pinching to me either way

The places I long for the most

Are the places where I've been

They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith

It's not about trust

It's all about comfortable

When you move  so much

The place I was wasn't perfect

but I had found a way to live

It wasn't milk and honey

But then neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt

Leaving out what it lacked

The future seems so hard

And I want to go back

But the places that used to fit me

Cannot hold the things I've learned

And those roads were closed off to me

While my back was turned

The past is so tangible

I know it by heart

Familiar things are never easy to discard

I was dying for some freedom

But now I hesitate to go

Caught between the promise

And the things I know

Finally!!!

Well, I have finally gotten around to posting my first blog. This is quite a milestone for me because it seems very awkward to post my personal thoughts and feelings for anyone and everyone to read. However, I am hoping that through this all of our friends and loved ones can feel connected to us as we travel and walk with us on this journey. More to come soon.....