Painting Pictures of Egypt

Well, I am now posting two days in a row, which I must say is quite an accomplishment. I have absolutely no idea if anyone reads this or not, but here it is. 

We are now about 30 hours away from leaving Orlando for the last time for two whole years. It is such a crazy thought that I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around that. These last few months have honestly been very difficult for me... some of the most difficult of my life. Amongst the excitement of embarking on such an adventure, I was naively blinded to how difficult it would be to leave the comfortable life that we know behind. I have grieved truly as if there has been a death in my life- death of our cute newlywed apartment and selfish time with my sweet husband where we don't have to worry about anyone or anything else, death of the confidence that comes with the predictability and familiarity of our well-known surroundings, and the end of the comfort and privacy of our own home. The fear of the unknown has become very well-known to me.

I am also broken as I think of all the people that we love and how much their lives will have changed before our return. Babies will be born, people will probably move away, things will change, and life will go on here without us. I feel like I am mourning the losses of that time and those relationships. 

But even throughout this sadness, God has been so faithful to me. At times, I have felt as weak as a little baby who can't even feed or clothe itself. I have felt like I have forgotten any spiritual knowledge I may have obtained at one time. It is at these times that I have cried out to Him, as I know that even in my weakness, He is strong. Then I remember that I feel so honored that He has chosen me to do such wonderful work for the people that are close to His heart. I have been blessed in unbelievable ways by the people who have believed in us and supported us. I get to go pour out love on people in ways that I never dreamed imaginable. The image that I am clinging to is just being able to hold babies and play with children who may not have anyone else to love them. I want to be the one to love on them. And that is what gets me through each of these difficult days. 

Here is a song by Sara Groves that has been so comforting to me:

I don't want to leave here

I don't want to stay

It feels like pinching to me either way

The places I long for the most

Are the places where I've been

They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith

It's not about trust

It's all about comfortable

When you move  so much

The place I was wasn't perfect

but I had found a way to live

It wasn't milk and honey

But then neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt

Leaving out what it lacked

The future seems so hard

And I want to go back

But the places that used to fit me

Cannot hold the things I've learned

And those roads were closed off to me

While my back was turned

The past is so tangible

I know it by heart

Familiar things are never easy to discard

I was dying for some freedom

But now I hesitate to go

Caught between the promise

And the things I know